Survivor (post 2 of 3)

You see there is a second side of this story.  When I was 16 my brother brought my husband, Randall to our Easter dinner.  The rest is history, we got married when I was 19 and he was 21.  As you can  imagine, there were LOT of growing pains.  We were young and immature and plus I had lot of emotional baggage from my childhood of being rapped and molested for years which started to surface after I got married and sex came into picture.

It’s kinda funny but Randall’s heart was ALWAYS in the ministry.  Sharing the gospel and helping  whoever needed it.  And this is why I REALLY FELL in love with this man.  But as life happens, bills and kids,  this is what brought a HUGE gap and resentment in my heart.  I was working full time and Randall was working part time at Shari’s and giving his time for free at the church.  I worked during the day and Randall worked at night.  We did this because we wanted to raise our kids and money was tight.  It was a perfect storm.  My resentment grew bigger and bigger to a point I would cry out to God for divorce.  This was our 5th year of marriage.  But I knew that divorce was wrong and I could not divorce him.  

Then the news hit.  I was pregnant again with my 3rd child.  My 2nd child was only 3 months old. I had JUST went back to work from maternity leave.  As I sat there at the doctor’s office and the nurse told me I was pregnant I just broke into a huge sob.  In my head I was thinking, how can this be, I can’t be pregnant.  I am having hard time already with the other 2 how are we going to provide for one more. I am going to get divorce and I am going to be stuck with 3 kids. OMG I can’t do this.”  The nurse told me after seeing my reaction, “you know you don’t have to have this baby.”  I told her my husband would NEVER go for abortion .  Then she told me that he did not have to know.  I can do it privately.  She told me to go home and think about it and let her know.  

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