Survivor (part 3 of 3)

I was battling in my heart and in my head. I did not believe in abortion. I believed it was wrong and it was a sin, but I did not want this baby. I remember standing in the lobby fighting inside myself. Then I made a decision, I will call Randall and tell him.  I made that call in the lobby.  (Back then we did not have cell phones.)  When Randall picked up the phone, right away he was angry.  He did not even say hi. “Where are you? You know I’m late for work. Why aren’t you home yet?” He made me MAD.  I told him I had a doctor’s appointment; I would be home soon, and at that moment I made my decision. I was NOT going to be married to this jerk and I was not going to have this baby.  

A week later when I went in the doctor gave me a seaweed stick to start the process.  I did not know what this did at the time. This is what it does: “Cervical softening and dilating is performed with medication and small dilating sticks, called laminaria or Dilapan, that may be placed in the cervix, depending on the term of the pregnancy and your medical history. Laminaria are thin sticks made from a special seaweed material that widen as they absorb moisture from your body. Dilapan are synthetic sticks that work in the same way. The laminaria will stay in your cervix overnight and prepare your body for the next day’s surgical procedure.” (Definition by: http://www.ucsfhealth.org/treatments/surgical_abortion_second_trimester/ )

During my lunch I went to the doctor’s office and had my baby killed. I don’t remember how I got there or where it was, but I remember sitting in the waiting room with other young girls, telling myself this was right thing to do. I thought of the baby. It was better that he/she was not born since we had a bad marriage and I was going to get a divorce anyways.  

The process took less then 30 mins. This is how it went :  “Medication will be administered intravenously (IV) in your arm to induce anesthesia or loss of consciousness. Most women fall asleep and don’t remember the procedure. After you’re well relaxed, the doctor will remove the laminaria and use suction and gynecological instruments to empty your uterus, with ultrasound guidance. You’ll be in the operating room for about an hour but the procedure may take from 15 to 45 minutes.” (Definition by: http://www.ucsfhealth.org/treatments/surgical_abortion_second_trimester/ )

I just remember hearing and feeling the suction. Then they had me in a recovery room to make sure I didn’t pass out. I walked  back to work and finished off the day. As if nothing had happened. I remember thinking it was very simple. Too simple. It was like it never happened. I had turned my heart and my head off. It was easy to do. Too easy.

Hadassah ran over to me as I returned home, jumping on my lap and greeting me with kisses. I held my little chunky Mariah-Joy. She was so soft and squeezable. She smelled so sweet that my heart started to hurt. It hit home. That was my baby.

I remembered how Randall and I had been so excited when we found out we were going to have these beautiful kids.  From the VERY first pregnancy test these were our babies. I remembered looking at the first ultrasound and being so in love with Hadassah and Mariah-Joy. Even when they were just a spot on the ultrasound. We had shown the print outs of our babies to all of our friends. They were as excited as we were.

But somehow I had chosen not to think of this baby as a baby. I was selfish and fearful of the future. No, I was not raped. My life was not in danger. It was just inconvenient.  So I aborted my baby.

How had I gotten to the point where I thought it was okay to kill my baby. How had my heart gotten to the point where it was okay? How have we as a society gotten to this point? These are questions I ask myself.

Recently I noticed a post from my friend. She is 20 weeks pregnant and everybody is excited for her. But are we only excited for her having a baby because she wants the baby? We have a society that thinks it’s okay for her to kill that same baby if she  had chosen not to want it. All of sudden that beautiful baby becomes tissue. We would be okay with that. How did we get here?  How did I get there?  If I’m being TOTALLY and COMPLETELY HONEST with myself and my husband, the answer is SELFISHNESS.    

Thankfully God is a LOVING and FORGIVING God. He has helped me to forgive myself. He was there every step of the way, to hold me and comfort me. He brought healing to my soul and to my marriage.

Thankfully my husband also forgave me. It wasn’t easy. He was hurt. But as God and time healed us, he even apologized for not being the husband he needed to be. For putting me in a position where I felt I had to make that choice.

That was 20 years ago. My children are now 18, 20 and 22. As I look at them I see how amazing, talented and beautiful they are. I often wonder what would my 3rd baby would have been like.  Was it a boy or a girl?  Would he/she have looked like Mariah? I continue to wonder about that baby, my baby, that I called fetal tissue and murdered. And I will for the rest of my life.

I feel very compelled to tell you this story, my story, and let you know that your baby is not just fetal tissue or a blob. “It’s my body and I have choice. I can get rid of it.” My baby was not a part of my body. It was independent and IT WAS A BABY. Your baby is not a part of your body. It is independent and IT IS A BABY. 

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3 thoughts on “Survivor (part 3 of 3)”

  1. I’m so proud of your courageous choice to share this, Lori. If we’re not vulnerable, how can others be vulnerable with us? And if we don’t open up to each other, than we isolated in our despair. It is the same with forgiving ourselves. I wonder if it is often more difficult to forgive ourselves then it is to forgive others. Love you and proud of you!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Lei. I think the HARDEST part was to forgive myself and accept forgiveness of God and Randall. I wrote this because I have been really feeling God tugging at my heart that it is time. I am praying that this will help other girls to make the right decision

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